Picking up the pieces
by tillypenn
Summary: What if Sam and Jack had been in a relationship before he got stuck on Edora, how would they both have dealt with what happened. Told through Sams pov.
1. Chapter 1

I can't believe it, I did it, I got him back. I've missed him so much, I can't wait to get him home, I mean actually to my place. He looks different, distant, not exactly what I was expecting but then what was I expecting, I mean he's been stuck here for months, that's bound to change a person. I just need to hold him, but I can't, I have to keep this professional, even now, so I start talking. I start explaining what I did, what I went through to get him back, I guess I need him to know how much I tried, and that I never gave up on him. He looks beyond me and suddenly I get a really bad feeling, and then he walks past me, us, like we're not there, like we never were.

He walks to her, to Lara, and straight away I know, I know that while I worked all that time trying to get the particle generator to work, building it from scratch he was partaking in the local delights. While I was working my hardest, hardly sleeping, barely eating he was moving on with his life with her.

He hugs her and I just watch, daring him to kiss her, daring him to make my heartbreak complete, but he doesn't he says something to her and then walks back to us. What do I do, scream, rage, shout at him, ask him what the hell happened? No of course not, because of all the things I am, of all the things I have ever been, a good little soldier is what I do best.

So we walk back to the gate. Daniel strikes up a conversation but I don't know what about, I can't seem to make the act real, I just feel hollow. I smile when I think I should, and for the most part I think I do quite well because no one brings me up on it. I just try to not let the pain show. I wonder whether he's realised that I know, whether he even cares. I daren't risk even a glance at him because I know if I look at him I might just stop, I might break right here on this godforsaken planet, so I just keep walking, I just keeping going eyes forward trying not to think. I am so exhausted I pushed myself to the limit and beyond to get here to get him and now all I want to do is sleep for a week, or a month or you know even a year.

We have just arrived at the gate and Jack, NO it's Colonel O'Neill from now on. The Colonel asks me to dial home, and for a split second I just want to run, run away, because going home won't make me happy, it will just mean having to deal with this, to pick up the pieces. But I dial home, good little soldier winning through yet again. When I look up I catch the Colonel looking at me with a look on his face that I don't even want to think about trying to analyse, so I turn away. He doesn't say anything, we just all walk through the stargate, and I know I am walking into a reality that I don't want to have anything to do with.


	2. Chapter 2

Shutting my front door behind me, I unintentionally let out a sigh of relief; I really didn't think I would make it home in one piece. I decide to get a shower, the need to try and wash away all that has happened today overwhelming me. I walk to my ensuite grabbing a couple of towels on the way. Stepping into the stream of hot water it feels so good against my tired body, but as I start washing my hair all the emotions that have been threatening to overtake me since Edora suddenly all hit at once and without even realising it at first the tears start pouring.

I think back over the past few hours and I feel that I did quite well. Even though I couldn't stop thinking about him with her, wondering how long it took him, how many days or weeks or whatever to get over me, to fall into her waiting arms. Because I know she wanted him, you could tell by the way she looked at him when we were first watching the so called fire rain. I just never thought that he would do that to me, I mean the morning before we left for that mission he told me loved me, and it wasn't the first time.

Even though all that was going through my head I still managed to keep up the act when we got back, because it is against the regs and we have always been so good at fooling everyone around us. I know I have.  
I feel so tired, exhausted even, getting out the shower I go into my room to get changed, my bed looks so inviting. That's what the Janet told me, at the post mission check up, that basically I needed a good meal and lots of sleep, big shocker there eh. I cringe again thinking about all I went through to get him back when he probably would have preferred to have been left there.

I think about just lying down and hopefully escaping to a perfect dream world, but even looking at my bed brings back unwanted memories. Memories of being with him in it, doing things that I had never done with anyone before. What makes them so unwanted though is the thought that he may have done them with her, touching her the way he used to touch me, kissing her like he kissed me, the thought of him screwing her makes make shiver and starts me crying anew when I hadn't even realised I had stopped from earlier.

I quickly put my clothes on and go into the living room, not stopping at the kitchen as the thought of food turns my stomach; I guess this is what lovesickness is.  
I lie on the sofa and close my eyes and I see a vivid picture of Jack from the last time I saw him, in the debriefing. I don't really remember much, I tried to pay attention but I am a girl, a girl who had just had her heart broken so I didn't have much of a chance really. I sat across the table from him. I managed to avoid eye contact for the most part, but I couldn't help it, call it morbid curiosity. I looked across at him at the same time he was looking at me, he held my gaze for a while and then when he was asked a question he gave me a slight smile and looked away to answer. At that point I hated him, just pure, passionate hate. How dare he smile, after knowing what he had done, he cheated on me, he fucked someone else and he looked at me and smiled, that evil fucking bastard.

I must have fallen asleep with my not so happy thoughts because the next thing I know it's dark and I can hear a knock at the door. I think about ignoring it and going back to sleep, but whoever it is is very persistent so I get up and walk towards the door.

When I open it I see Jack O'Neill standing on my porch


	3. Chapter 3

I just look at him not knowing what to say. I guess I should have expected, hell no guessing about it, I should have known he would come, but still seeing him there catches me off guard.

'Hey Sam,' he says to me. 'Are you going to invite me in or what?' He follows in a light voice. I think about slamming the door in his face, seeing it play out in my minds eye like the way they do on sitcoms sometimes. Then part of me realises that I do need this, I need to talk to him, I need some questions answered so I just walk back into my living room leaving the door open for him to follow.

I hear the front door close and his footsteps coming towards me but I have my back turned. I can't stop thinking about how I felt yesterday, how much I would have given to just be in the same room as him, to be here with him. Now that it's happening part of me just wants to run and the other part seems intent on torturing myself by talking to him. Strange how things turn out.

'Sam, are you alright? You've been quiet with me since we got back on world.' He asks and I can't believe it, he's not going to tell me, he's going to treat me like I'm the one who changed.  
'Shouldn't I be asking you that?' I reply, turning to face him. 'I mean you're the one who's been stuck on Edora for the past three months'

He takes a step towards me but I step back not wanting him anywhere near me.

'Sam what's the matter? I've missed you'  
'Isn't there something you want to tell me Sir?' I ask knowing my use of rank will get a reaction  
'Sir? So when did we go back to that?' He asks sounding confused.  
I don't know why, but at this point I just snap, I hate that he is playing dumb, but I don't know what makes this sentence the one that breaks me but it does and I find myself yelling at him 'Since you spent the past three months on Edora fucking around while I worked my ass off trying to get you home'  
'Sam'  
'What? You thought you'd gotten away with it, that I'd be stupid enough to not realise?'  
'No'  
'Then what, that I'd pretend nothing happened? Just go back to what we had?'  
'Sam, no…..' but I don't let him finish  
'Well what then, you come here acting like nothing happened'  
'I was gonna tell you'  
'When? When were you going to tell me, when you were holding me, after kissing me? Oh no, I get it. You came here for a fucking lay, and then if it came up you might have enlightened me.'  
'No I wouldn't have….'  
'What pretended nothing had changed, because that's what you were already doing'  
'I WAS LOST' He shouts, losing his temper  
'AND SO WAS I'

We just look at each other, seconds ticking into minutes and just silence, and not the comfortable ones we used to share.

'Why did you give up on me?' I ask in a much calmer voice  
'This is not just about you, you know' he says, anger dripping through his voice.  
'Jack you screwed up, I deserve answers' my voice staying low and even.  
'I thought I'd never get home, if it hasn't escaped you notice I'm not as brainy as you, I thought the gate was gone.'  
'What about the Tollan, or the Tok'ra or god even the Asguard?' I ask him  
'What about them?' he asks looking confused.  
'Space travel. Didn't you figure that eventually one of them would come for you?'  
'No' he reply's simply

'So after giving up all hope, pretty easily may I add, how long did it take to jump into that bitch's bed'  
'She's not a bitch'  
'So not the right answer'  
'What do you want, for me to lie to you, to tell you that she was an evil, vindictive cow who seduced me when I was pining for you?'  
'That would be a start' I bite at him  
'No, you want me to be truthful, so here it is,' he pauses. 'I never gave up hope, not for ages. I tried to dig up the gate but the villagers needed my help, we had to rebuild before the harvest. And before you say anything you would have done the same thing.'  
'Yes I would have, but then I wouldn't have followed it up by cheating on you'  
I see something change in his eyes

'That's what you think I did?'  
'Did you or did you not have sex with someone else?'  
He just looks away  
'Then yes, you cheated on me' I tell him, barely managing to say the last part. My tears starting again I sink down onto the sofa.  
'Sam, baby please don't cry' he says sitting next to me, trying to put his arm around me but I just flinch away from him.

He stands back up, looking hurt. 'Don't you dare' I sob at him, 'Don't you dare stand there acting like you're the hurt one in all this'  
'Well I'm not exactly peachy'  
'You told me you loved me' I shout at him.  
'I do lo...'  
'Don't say it' I beg. 'Just don't you dare say it.' Then after a few deep breaths 'I think you should leave'  
'Sam…' he starts to say  
'Jack please just go'

He starts to walk away. 'For what it's worth Sam, I did miss you, my heart ached for you.'

I look up but he has gone. I hear him close the front door behind him, and as the click of the door echoes around my empty house, I sit here and uncontrollably sob my heart out.


	4. Chapter 4

'Beep Beep Beep'

I put my hand out to quieten the awful buzzing that has brought me back from the world of make believe. It's Sunday, last day of freedom before I go back to work. I can't believe it has been five whole days since I've seen Jack, three since he stopped calling, he always was a proud son of a bitch, probably thinks that I am blowing everything out of proportion, and for all I know I might be. I think back to the last time we talked, well if you can call it talking, and realise that as far as specifics go I really don't know a whole lot. It's just every time I contemplate talking to him I want to run.  
I really have to stop thinking about him, need to get in control of myself, I mean I'm going to be seeing him tomorrow, I'm a professional career driven woman not some love sick teenager. Aw but it still hurts. NO SAM, I must stop thinking like that. All I can say, or well think, is that it is a good job I'm spending the day with Janet and Cass. Thinking of, better get ready…

So here I am, an hour and a half later, waiting for either Janet or Cassie to open the door.  
'Sam,' Cassie shouts as she flings open the door and flies at me to give me a big hug.  
'Hey Honey' I smile down at her. She really has come out of her shell I can't help thinking of her as that little shy girl we rescued from Hanka.

'Hi. Are you alright? Where are we going? Can we go to the mall?'  
'Cass, take a breath' I tell her a little too late as she has already ran off, presumably to get her mother. I walk in and close the door behind me.

'Hey Sam' Janet says as I walk into the living room.  
'Hi. How are you?'  
'Good. Well tired, been a busy week on base. SG3 came back from P5X 767 with a rather interesting fungal infection, a lot like athletes foot, only scabbier.' She smiles  
'Sounds like fun, sorry I missed it' I laugh.  
'How about you, what you been up to?'  
'Oh you know sleeping, turns out I was really, really tired.'  
'Who knew' she smiles at me with that doctor knows all smile on her face

'Um guys, we going or what?' Cass comes in the room asking impatiently, and I can't stop myself from smiling at the look on her face.  
'So, where to?' I ask  
'I think Cassie wants to go to the mall'  
'You know Janet I got that impression too!'  
'Just come on will ya's' Cassie calls as she walks towards the front door.

Thirty minutes later we had parked up and were just walking into the mall.

'So Cass, where do you want to go first?' I ask  
'Well I need new clothes'  
'You always *need* new clothes. You'd think I never bought you any'  
'But mom, I've already worn them'  
'And I've already washed them, they're good as new'  
'Mom' Cassie whines. 'People have seen me in them'  
'You're a school kid, not a movie star'  
'Don't you want me to have any friends? Only dorks wear clothes more than once!'  
'Far be it form me to turn my daughter into a dork, clothes shopping it is' Janet smirks as Cassie walks ahead leading us to one of her much desired clothes shops.

'I think I may have to pull some overtime' Janet smiles at me.  
'I know, but we can't let her be a loner now can we' I smile back. 'So she's turned into a typical teenager then'  
'Oh yes, just wait till you see what she picks out, bejeebs I would never have dared to ask my mom for anything like them.'  
'I take it she never gets them then?'  
'No, no definitely not'

'I think she went in this one' I say

We walk into a *trendy* clothes shop and see Cassie with a group of girls.

Janet, being Janet, walks up to her and starts acting the over protective mother, flattening her hair and putting on her best mother hen voice. 'Sweetie, are you going to introduce me to your little friends?'

Cassie looks angry as her friend start to giggle. 'Mom' leading her back towards me, 'Stop embarrassing me'

I can barely keep my face straight but I manage to say 'Janet, I don't think we're wanted anymore'

Janet turning towards Cassie makes a deal with her. 'You go shopping with your friends and me and Sam will meet you at the pictures in 2 hours, and you better have a smile on that moody excuse of a face of yours'

'Alright, but I need some money'

'Ah well since you asked so nicely how can I refuse?' Janet tells her with a smirk on her face. Handing over some much wanted cash she continues 'You get anything ridiculous, I will take it straight back and you won't be getting any new clothes for three months'

'K, k, see you later' Cassie replies over her shoulder as she walks back to her friends.

I turn to Janet and simply say 'Coffee shop' to which she smiles and we head off to the nearest caffeine outlet.

Ten minutes later we are both sat down, each with a large mug of steaming coffee and a generous serving of chocolate fudge cake in front of us. Now I am not normally a cake person but it just looked so tempting that I couldn't resist.

'So, looking forward to starting back tomorrow?' Janet asks me.

'Yea, I think I've had enough of staring at my four walls, you know, between sleeping sessions' I reply trying to keep my tone light.

'You still look a bit pale'

'Of course I do,' getting a large dollop of cake on the spoon ready. 'It's my skin tone' Smiling as I bring the spoon to my mouth and take my first bite. 'This is gorgeous!'

'Mmm' Janet agrees. 'But you know what I mean' the doctor in her not letting up.

'Yea' I smile. 'Trust me, it's nothing more than being cooped up under a mountain practically non stop for three months. Once I get a little sun I will be back to my normal healthy glow.'

'Ok, sorry to keep on at you, but you know me, I just can't seem to switch off the doctor thing'

I take another bite of my cake and then start a new conversation.

'So apart from SG 3's misfortunes, what else have I missed?'

'Usual really, Siler's been keeping me busy with the usual burns and breaks, SG 8 caused a little worry, ended up being 15 hours overdue for check in, but it turned out to be due to a freak weather storm. Seems P2X 163 is going through advanced climate change'

'Sounds interesting'

'Yea, had all the science geeks…'

'Hey'

'Sorry too much time around Colonel O'Neill'

'What?' I ask, letting the sound of his name affect me a little too much

'Oh, he didn't want any downtime so he's been on base all week catching up on all he's missed'

'Doesn't sound like him'

'I know, I guess that planet changed him. He has seemed rather subdued since he got back'

'Yea, well he had started a whole new life for himself there' I reply biting back the bitterness in my voice.

'Are you ok?'

'Yea, why?'

'Well' Janet says cautiously. 'I heard there was a woman'

'What's that got to do with me?' I ask a little bit quickly I know, but I can feel the tears starting to sting my eyes.

'It's just, when he was gone you seemed pretty determined to get him back, in fact you told me you missed him' She ventures, talking softly.

I strengthen my resolve and banish my tears before they start to fall. 'I did Janet, the same as I would have missed Daniel or Teal'c.' The lie tasting bitter in my mouth.

'It seemed a little more than that'

'Well it wasn't' I smile, trying to reassure her.

'Ok,' she says a little unsurely. 'I'm sorry for getting it so wrong'

'No I know you are just trying to help, it's just that it was nothing more than missing a friend, well a good friend.' These lies just keep coming, and I know she isn't really buying them, but at least I don't think she has any idea about what's really going on.

'Well if you're sure,' giving my a small smile

'I am Janet' I smile back at her

We carried on eating, drinking and making small talk until it was time to meet Cass. She wanted to see a romantic comedy, you know the sort, slushy, where the guy always gets the girl in the end. Not what I needed but like that mattered.

So here I am 2200 hours, crying over some stupid film I'd seen hours ago and dreading going to work the next day.


	5. Chapter 5

*ring ring*

'Carter' I say picking up the phone in my office on base

'Hey'

'Hi Daniel, what's the matter?' knowing that he should be to busy to be ringing me

'Nothing. I just wondered if you had any ideas about what arguments I could use'

'I'm surprised you need to ask, I thought you'd be in your element' I say with a slight chuckle in my voice.

'You'd think, but this is really important, I mean this is our chance to get our hands on some of the Tollan technology, this could help us no end' He tells me what I already know, sounding wistful

'I know Daniel, but negotiating is your area of expertise, I'm the scientist' I state the obvious.

'I've been hard at it since the briefing this morning and my ideas are all over the place. I can't actually believe they are giving us this chance'

'I know, it does seem a bit out of the blue, odd if you will'

'Yea. Anyway I suppose I should get back to it, you know, clocks a ticking'

'Alright, talk to you later' I smile down the phone at him.

I turn back to my laptop, the higher ups want a write up of my particle generator, apparently it's a cool bit of physics that they are looking to expand upon, and even though I am managing to remain very professional, it still is the generator I built for Jack and hence it has some very painful emotions attached to it.

The briefing was unusual this morning and I don't just mean because of the invitation to start trading talks with the Tollan's that has been received, I obviously mean Colonel O'Neill, after all that's who everything revolves around at the minute with me, how childish do I feel! Sitting across from him was so difficult, but it was the lesser of two evils, my other option was to sit next to him, which as grown up as I am attempting to be I just couldn't do.

While I was in the briefing, listening intently to what General Hammond was saying, I could feel him looking at me. I got goose pimples, and I knew that if I turned and looked at him, I would be staring straight into those gorgeous brown eyes. I also knew I couldn't take it so I didn't look, not once. Not so long back I used to love just catching his eye, just quickly, not long enough so anyone else would notice but just so that he would, and he would know that I was thinking of the things we had done to each other the night before, the little fantasies we had played out. Now all I could think of was what he'd done to her, of whether he had touched her the same way that he used to touch me and I couldn't bear the idea of looking into his eyes in case they confirmed my worst fears.

So I got through the whole briefing without looking at him and haven't seen him at all this morning. This is so stupid I am going to have to face him soon, after all we are still both in the same team.

Some hours later I hear a knock at my open lab door, I look up and I see Jack.

'Hey Carter, watchadoing' He asks in a light tone though watching me tentively

'Just typing up the plans for the particle generator Sir' I reply in a matching tone

'Ah sounds interesting' he says in that tone that means come on ain't there a Simpson's on or summit.

'It is Sir. I created this myself from scratch and from what I can tell they are going to perform tests on it and set about putting it to the many uses there is for it' I explain finding the talking a little easier that I thought it would be

'So you ready for a break' he asks and I just look at him and then quickly look away, running my hand through my hair.

'I was going to see if Danny, T and you wanted to go to the commissary,' He added quickly. 'Knowing you and Danny you'll have both missed lunch, and Teal'c is always up for food. That's all I was thinking.' He says and I know he is just trying, scared of pushing to far.

I can feel myself feeling sorry for him, just for a moment and then I remember why he has to try so hard, because he broke my heart and I won't spend any time with him. But then maybe he doesn't want to, I mean the whole of last weeks downtime he came round once, and stopped phoning me after the first few days, and ok, yea now he is here in my office but he only wants me to sit with him and the rest of the team, he just wants SG-1 to be ok, he's only concerned with me because I am on the team.

And then for the first time a horrible thought occurs, maybe he fell in love with Laira, maybe I'm the one holding on to nothing.


	6. Chapter 6

I finished work as early as I could today, not like me I know. It's just as soon as that horrible thought occurred to me everything seemed to go dim. I made my excuses to him about lunch with the team, saying that I had already ate. He knew I was lying but I suppose he just didn't care enough to challenge me on it.

I just needed to get home, be alone with my thoughts. I never used to be like this, I was always such a work through the pain sort of gal. I wonder how many other ways I have changed, I have been changed, by Jack. I wonder when my whole life became about him 'Dammit Sam, don't be stupid' I tell myself. I worked way too hard to get to where I am to let a bad relationship spoil it.

It's just that I can't stop thinking about it, about him, about her. I need to know, I need to know the truth. I need to talk to him, not at work, not anywhere we need to be polite, proper, behaved.

Before I know what I am doing I am in my truck, setting off towards his place. Driving along I think of all the reasons I shouldn't be doing what I am about to do, but I have to. I have to be strong and get through this.

I pull up at his place and just sit staring at his front door. In my head I go through all the things I need to ask, the things I need to say. I find myself mentally bullet pointing them in an effort to stop me forgetting. Before I have chance to lose my nerve I get out of the truck and quickly walk up to his door. I hear his unmistakable footsteps approaching the other side of the door after I have knocked. I hear him sliding the deadbolt and turning the key.

He opens it and I just look at him, my mind suddenly blank. I can't remember any of the things I planned to say, I just see him. He doesn't say a word, I walk up to him and he takes a step back, still keeping his whole body facing me. I go inside and shut the door behind me.

He is so close to me, I can smell his familiar musky scent, exactly the same as the last time we were in this spot all them months ago. Something takes over and I suddenly reach out and touch his hand. He is looking deep into my eyes and I can see something in the depths of his, that disappears so quickly I think that maybe I must have been mistaken, but I don't want to think. I want to feel.

He reaches up and touches my face, I lean forward and feel his lips on mine. He is kissing me too softly, I don't want soft, so I push him back against the wall and start kissing him harder as my hands reach for his pants. He takes the hint and quickly pushes me against the door regaining control. He reaches for my jeans while I undo his belt. He is quicker than me and as I am fumbling with his fly he already has my jeans on the floor.

As soon as I have his trousers undone, he frees his fully erect cock, moves my panties aside and thrusts straight into me. I let out an audible gasp but he ignores me and continues to slowly move in and out. I want it faster and harder so I grab his buttocks and force him deeper inside, he understands and picks up his pace. I feel the tension in my body building up so quickly, so fiercely until I feel a sudden release as I climax all over him, and for the tiniest moment everything seems fine, that is, until the second my brain catches up and I feel physically sick.

'Oh no, oh no, oh no'

I push him off me, straighten myself up and pull my jeans back on.

'Fuck, fuck, fuck' I say as I walk past him.

He follows, readjusting himself.

'Sam' he looks at me warily. 'Look I know that's probably not what you expected'

'Ya think' I say, my mind spinning.

'Sometimes things just happen.' He tells me calmly.

'Yea and you would know all about that' I retort, pacing his front room. 'I mean things always just happen to you. Like, for instance, contracting ageing diseases BECAUSE some things just happen'

'That was before us'

'But your dick was involved yet again' I throw back. 'Hell I should have realised back then, read the warning signs.' He looks like he is going to say something but I carry on before he has a chance. 'But no, I had to go and fall for you, let my heart rule, and look at me now! I forget everything for a quick screw' I finish completely mad at myself and just sit (or maybe collapse would be a more accurate term),

He just looks at me while I look down at my hands. 'What did you come here for?' He asks after a few moments silence.

'They are things I need to know,' still looking at my hands.

'What things?'

I look up, surely he knows. 'About Edora, about Lara'

He sighs, yes sighs. How dare he, I can feel my anger building again.

'What do you want to know?' He asks in a strange voice

'When?'

'The night before Teal'c came through to get me.' he answers matter of factly.

I roll my eyes and he shows his temper spitting 'Why would I lie?'

I just carry on. 'Why?'

'Jeez Sam, what do you want me to say?'

'I want you to tell me why'

'I was drunk and horny and as you have just said my dick rules all!'

'Be serious' I say almost smiling.

'I was lonely, and she wanted me, it was easy'

That hurt, I looked back down at my hands holding one of my thumbs in the other hand. 'What was it like? What was she like?'

He lets out a low whistle. 'For crying out load, are you trying to torture yourself?'

'What's torturing me is imagining what happened. I can't stop seeing it, playing it out in so many different ways. I need to know.'

I look up and make eye contact, and I see something there, something he is trying to hide, but that's fighting to get out. The something changes and soft brown eyes seem to harden slightly.

'Your not going to like it,' he says simply and I believe him.

My heart skips a beat at those words, but I don't say anything, I just sit and wait for him to go on.

'It was nice. I liked it. She was ….' He had been looking around the room, but at this point the brought his eyes back to mine'…good'

His voice then took on a harsh quality. 'Is that enough or would you like to know positions, facial expressions, lengths and volumes of screams?' I flinched as though physically hurt, I could feel myself falling, a pit of despair enveloping me, and something else, something different. It took me a few minutes to realise what it was, and by that time it had taken hold of me. White burning anger, a stronger version of what I had been feeling since that day back on Edora, came bubbling to the surface.

I stood up to my full height, and I pushed him, he stumbled back.

'You shitty little bastard. How dare you!' I shout.

'You wanted to know' he says quietly

'Yea, and since when did you listen to me, and that's not even the point. You know exactly what you were thinking and you fucked me'

'Hey, that was not all me'

'Well if you hadn't gathered, I am kinda emotionally all over the place, you see this man who told me he loved me went and screwed someone else, he's kind of inconsiderate that way, and you took advantage!'

'Um, what?'

Ignoring him I continue the questioning. 'Do you have feelings for her or was it just sex?'

He didn't answer. I hit him again and again.

'I don't believe this, I don't um' I had no idea what to say, I just felt pain, I just had to … 'I have to go' I manage to mumble, starting to walk out. He reaches after me but I yell 'NO, never ever touch me.'

I run out of his house, still to angry to cry, but I know the tears will come.

I get home, go to the fridge, get the largest glass of wine possible, go sit down, and well and truly drown my sorrows.


	7. Chapter 7

My brain is tired. It really is. Up until oh not so long ago I would have said that I knew Jack O'Neill quite well, in fact I used to think I knew him better than anyone. That was my thinking up until the time on Edora when he looked past me like I wasn't there.

Now I realise that I really don't know him at all.

I always knew about his history of covert operations, and I am not stupid, far from it in fact, I knew that he had to be good at undercover otherwise he wouldn't still be alive, I guess I just thought I would know if he lied to me, I thought I would be able to pick up on it somehow. I didn't. I fully believed that he was sick of the way things were done at SGC. That he really thought that he was justified in taking what he wanted bugger the consequences. When he went through the gate, saying he wanted to live out the rest of his days with her I believed it, truth be told I was a little relieved. That he had made his choice, that I didn't have to keep looking at him wondering what if, what could have been if Edora had never happened.

Turns out it was all part of a mission, to capture the bad guys of Earth who actually think it is acceptable to steal technology from other worlds, from our allies. He of course carried out said mission perfectly and I am left here wondering what else he has lied to me about, with his talents he could have almost convinced me that the sky was pink and the grass orange.

*Knock Knock*

I look at the clock, it's 19:15. I get up and walk to the door.

'Hey Carter' he says as soon as I open the door.

'What do you want Colonel?'

'Do I look like I am here as your CO?'

'That's what you are' I quickly reply.

'I was under the impression that I was a little more than that to you'

I look at him, feeling exhausted, both physically and emotionally. 'Haven't we done this to the death?'

'No, I haven't even begun' he looks at me evenly

'Yes you did, I was there, you were pathetic' I state matter-of-factly.

'Can you at least invite me in, it's a little chilly' he says, his lips curling up ever so slightly. I stare at him and he stares back. In the end I give up and turn around walking towards my living room. He follows, I hear him close my front door. I reach my sofa and sit down. I don't say anything, I am just waiting for him to start. He doesn't say anything., he just kneels down in front of me so our eyes are level.

'Why are you here?' I ask looking straight at him.

'Because I love you, and I have no intention of losing you, not again.' He's looking right at me as he says this but I can't make sense of the words, I just smile to myself.

'You don't believe me?' he asks

'Why wouldn't I believe you?' I ask sarcastically.

'I couldn't fight for you, for us before. I had a mission to complete. You know that we have to put our work first, what we do is important.'

'Don't you dare start giving me the lecture. I know what's important' I reply quickly, unimpressed at his preoccupation with the mission. 'What I don't know is what this mission has to do with you cheating on me?'

'It stopped me from explaining'

'I think it's quite self explanatory actually' I say offhand.

'Your not making this easy'

'Oh I'm sorry, must try harder!'

'What I said that first night back was real, everything after that was down to the mission I had been given. I think you can work out when I found out about it.' I look at him blankly. He continues ' The day I stopped calling you. I had to make you believe I would really go back to Lara, that I would choose her over you.'

'You already did' I say quietly.

'Is that what you think?' I nod once and look away. He reaches out to touch my face but I flinch and he retracts his hand.

He stands up and walks to the chair opposite me and sits down stretching out his knee, I hear it click. I look at him, at his expression trying to ascertain whether he's in any pain. He just looks tired.

'Back on Edora, when we realised the gate was gone, I couldn't believe it. It was hard to digest, the idea that I was cut off from home, cut off from you. I tried to find the gate, I worked all day trying to dig up that area, but there were so many of the Edorians missing. It was the harvest season, they needed my help. I was forced to accept the possibility that I may never get home…'

'How could you not know that I would find a way?' I interrupt.

'Sammy, I really didn't think there was one.' he answers his voice not breaking exactly, but doing that manly emotional thing.

'I always find a way' I say. 'How could you not realise that one of our allies would send a ship?'

'Because I honestly didn't even consider it'

'That's the part I don't understand, well one of them.' I say desperately hoping he has a good answer for this. 'You are a colonel in the air force, how could you not think of flying?'

'Try to understand this, I saw the gate had gone, and my mind just stopped, It really never occurred to me that there was ever going to be any other way home.'

He paused waiting to see if I had anything else to say. I didn't.

'I helped them with the harvest. I did pretty good.' He smiles, 'I'm sure you did' is all I say, in a very loaded way. His smile falls away.

'Can you please just get to the point?' I ask, tired of this trivia.

'I'm just setting the scene' He replies, seriously.

'Consider it set'

His soft brown eyes find my blue ones. '99 days after the day that I was lost I made a stupid mistake'


	8. Chapter 8

'Are you going to explain that statement?' I ask after a few moments silence.

'Just thought I would let it hang, you know give it chance to sink in!' he replies giving me one of his trade mark smiles.

'If that's all you going to say just go, because it's not good enough.'

'Sam, I love you, I made a mistake, a big one, but I have to believe that we can get through this because I can't imagine my life without you.' he eyes trying to hold mine but I look away, I am trying to remember our first conversation, the exact details, because he said that was real, what he said there was unaffected by any mission.

'Were you going to tell me?' I ask looking at him

'What?' he says looking confused.

'You said the first time you came round af-after…' I stumble over the words 'well, you said it was real. You were acting like nothing happened. Were you really not going to tell me?' My voice breaking on the last sentence.

'I would have told you' he says with finality in his voice, but I know him to well and I don't believe him.

'When?'

'I just needed you, I didn't want to spoil that first night' He answers, I think he realises the mistake before he even finishes.

'So what, you were going to sleep with me not even 24 hours since you had your dick stuck in that…' I say, my voice rising in anger.

'No….Yes….I don't know,' he starts in a fluster. 'I saw you and all I could think of was holding you, kissing you, touching you, you have no idea' he finishes defiantly.

'I have no idea? You stupid bastard, exactly what did you think I was doing for over three months? You were all I wanted. And I finally did it, I got to you, I saw you and all I wanted was to reach out and touch you, but I had to settle for talking to you. Do you know what you did then, do you remember?' I ask, but he just looks away from me because he knows what is coming. 'You walked past me like I wasn't there.'

There, I had said it. I had said the thing that had been haunting me since it happened. I have nothing left in me I just sit down, while the tears pour silently down my cheeks.

'Sam, baby please' his voice is breaking.

'You see, I'm not stupid, I know that sex doesn't equal love. Plus I know a bit about transference, taking comfort in one thing because you can't get to another. And if it was just sex then yea, I would probably be able to get over it, eventually, but it wasn't just sex. You had feelings for her.'

'Sammy..'

'Be honest Jack' I say, my voice making it a plea.

He looks at me for a long time until I eventually see a change in his demeanour, I can tell he has come to a decision. 'I did have feelings for her, I was lost and alone, so far away from home, from you. She helped me.' He took a deep breath before carrying on. 'She made me realise that I was needed, that I still had a job to do, people to look after. So I did it. I helped them with the harvest, I became a part of the village'

'You have told me this before' I say realising we are just going around in circles.

'The night before you all came through the gate. There was a gathering. I had a fair amount to drink' he carried on as if I hadn't said anything. 'It had been so long since I had been close to anyone'

I could feel tears prickling in my eyes. I just stared at Jack not really wanting to hear what was coming next, but knowing that I had to. For this part he closed his eyes, like he couldn't look at me while he said the next thing he said.

'I was staying with Lara and her son' I nodded already knowing that from reading the report. 'Well when we got home, well …..'

'I get it' I tell him in a defeated voice, my head dropping and my eyes burning a hole in the carpet

'Do you?' he asks. I look up and see that he has opened his eyes and he is staring straight at me.

I let my head drop again, and the next thing I know he is on his knees in front of me, lifting my chin gently with his thumb and forefinger.

'You see you said that sex doesn't always equal love'

'And you said you had feelings for her' I say defiantly

'Yea I did, I have feelings for her.' He looks deep into my eyes. 'But I love you'

I feel my heart flutter and then he kisses me.


End file.
